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April 2nd, 2004
03:12 pm - Here goes
I am going to honestly give this journal a shot now. I need to vent some stuff at times and writing has worked in the past. Since no one knows about this except mallory, I will treat this as a real "journal" and not the public platform that I use my blog site for. So be prepared mallory, you may be getting a oh to close look into my messed up head, hehe.
Wow! I mean wow! I have had a really horrible week. I think it all started last friday when i missed that class. I didn't just sleep through it. I actually was woken up by my alarm (at 10 in the morning mind you), but I just turned it off and ploped right back into bed. I was really upset with myself that I allowed that to happen. I was up late the night before, but by 10 I think I had at least six hours sleep in me. As a result of my lack of drive, I got a zero on a presentation 5% of my final grade and set a president for procrastination and close calls this week.
Honestly, I know that I beat myself up way to much about the whole thing. Grades are trivial and don't mean much. I know that and I knew it then. I was just so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make the most of my last few weeks when i got back from break, and be like I was at the beginning of the year. I had constant late nights and early mornings, but I kept pushing myself. I tried to get the most out of evey lecture and every assignment. That isn't the case now.
I did horrible on my Chemistry exam monday. I thought I pushed myself over the weekend, but really I didn't get much accomplished. I am lost in that class, but I am doing nothing about it. Pride is mostly the reason. I am used to being able to figure stuff out on my own.
There are so many things swimming in my head and so much confusion that it is to much to put on paper. I find it ironic, that my current overwhelm of self-pity and stress may stem from my previously found over-confidence. I am stressing about all my unreached goals for school (and ROTC), because I had reached an image of myself, for once in my life, that was very positive and powerful. I have fallen short of that "superman" in recent days and it is tearing me up inside.
On the positive side, the reason I am so torn up inside is because I am trying to undo my self sabotage and reclaim my strenths. I have fallen behind it so many arenas, but I am still going to try and catch up. I think my frist step will be trying to bring myself up to speed in my classes. But I don't know I have neglected just more then school. I have neglected God as well. I talk to him so little now, and I have not thristed to learn and read about him either. I feel so sad.
(Wo, I don't know if I like that people are going to read this. I will leave it up. But you all need to understand that I am not going to kill myself here. I am in rut, but I sware I am fine. I am really happy. I have my family, the best friends in the world, and faith in God. I am pretty much set. I am just not superman, and I need to see that somethings I will just not be able to do.)
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March 27th, 2004
12:28 am
Well, I am in a transition mode at the moment. I am no longer posting on my blog site "Cuter With My Mouth Closed". I see a pattern in my titles...
I had to start a journal here so I could comment on my friend Mallory's journal. (starting to get to know her better. she is great. can't wait to see her again.) So here I am. I can keep writing if I feel like it.
It is totally too late. I should be getting rest but I put time in to playing with this journal. I have got a lot of homework and studying to do this weekend.
I have a few more weeks of school and I was going to put all my energy into doing well in my classes and pulling up by grades, yet today I slept through a class. Not just any class but my Naval Science class in which I had to make a presentation. The Navy pays for my school and I only have a few responsibilities, yet no sorry.
Now that I have pointed out my being a total slacker I will go to bed. Gonna be a good student and work hard tomorrow!!
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